Kingdom School
by Soiku-grl
Summary: After saving the multiple worlds.... our favorite heroes have to go back to.....School!Major Kairi bashing in this story
1. Nicknames

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. If I did……… then there would be a lot of Yaoi and Kairi…… she wouldn't be with us anymore…….

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**BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!**

It was this sound that woke up Roxas and made him wonder what interrupted him from his great dream. I mean, he was getting to the part where he was going to eat a cookie! Getting back on topic……. Roxas got out of bed, but not before getting tackled by a spiky haired blur that pushed him back onto said bed (hey, that rhymed!)

"Good Morning Roxie!" the blur said.

"Sora…. It's too early in the morning……" Roxas moaned and pulled the covers back over his head.

"But we start school today…." Sora said and pulled the covers off of Roxas.

School. That horrible 6 letter word that struck fear and terror into the hearts of all children…… (And Nobodies that go by the name of Roxas.) That horrible word got Roxas shooting out of bed and into the shower.

"Didn't know he could run that fast……" Sora said, and then he went back into his room to get changed.

&&

After an 8 minute and 13 second shower, (Hey, Roxas kept count!) Roxas went back into his room and put on his school uniform, which consisted of a plain white button down shirt and khaki pants. Oh yea, and a tie. Who could forget the tie……

When Roxas and Sora came downstairs, they were faced with a terror of a Monday morning. No, not Kairi, but she would be a terror of a Monday morning. No, they were faced with something worse than Kairi: The boy's hyper mother (who is a morning person.)

"MY BABIES ARE GROWING UP SO FAST!!!!!!" She squealed as Roxas and Sora came downstairs to eat. They then decided that they were not hungry and decided to go pick up their silvered haired friend that we all know and love: Riku

&&

When they knocked on the door to Riku's house, they were greeted by none other than…….. Sephiroth (You'll understand why Sephiroth lives at Riku's house in a moment)

"You here for Riku, right?" Sephiroth said, more interested in the book he was reading than in the Keyblade bearer and his Nobody. What was he reading? Why, none other than the Kingdom Hearts Field Guide!

"No, were here to sell you cookies…….. OF COURSE WE'RE HERE FOR RIKU!" Roxas screamed.

Sephiroth then sighed, put the book down, and went upstairs to get our favorite silvered haired hottie. After what seemed like minutes (In which Sora swore that he heard a sword being taken out of its scabbard…) Riku came downstairs in his uniform, tie and all.

"Listen, we have to go before……." Riku couldn't finish his sentence because his mom interrupted him with a sentence of her own: "MY RI-RI IS GROWING UP SO FAST!" His mom then proceeded to squeeze Riku in a tight hug. Sora, Roxas and Sephiroth were chuckling at Riku's pet name, and Riku? Riku was suffering from lack of oxygen.

"Mom……..breathing……..becoming an issue……" Riku said, struggling to break free of his mom's death grip. His mom let go of him and said: "I'm sorry, but I haven't been this happy since my Sephy-weffy announced that he was potty-trained…" She then proceeded to hug Sephiroth in a motherly hug. "I remember the day like it was yesterday…."

"Mom…… not now……….." Sephiroth said in a tone that screamed "you're giving them blackmail material…." Sora then smirked and said, "No, tell us. We have some time on our hands." Riku's mother sat down and explained: "Well, it was in the middle of the night, I was sleeping and then Sephiroth came into the room and announced that he was a big boy now because he went in the big peoples toilet all by himself….." Sephiroth then turned an unnatural shade of red and shot Sora, Riku and Roxas a look that said "If you tell anyone about this, I will hurt you." During all this, Riku was sending a recorded message to Cloud that said: Listen to this to your hearts consent……."

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Ok, I was cracking up when I wrote this. I had this idea yesterday and had to type it up. My other stories probably won't get updated in a while because of the evil 6 lettered word School, plus I'm kind of occupied with playing Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass, so bear with me people! Oh yea, Happy Columbus Day! 


	2. WHAT THE!

Disclaimer: No way do I own Kingdom Hearts.

Chapter 2: HOW THE HELL DID HE EARN A TEACHING DEGREE!!!

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After leaving Riku's house, the three Keyblade bearers left to head off to hell…….I mean, the wonderful world of school. As they were walking to school, Sora decided it was the perfect time to ask a question: "What's School?" Riku and Roxas looked at him like he just asked someone if they can teach him how to breathe. 

"How can you NOT know what school is?" Roxas yelled. Sora then went on to explain: "Well, considering the fact that I was busy saving multiple worlds from an impending doom and THIS guy," Sora then pointed at Riku " who was being corrupted by a guy who just wants to get Riku in bed with him, does it LOOK like I had the time to know what school is?" Sora said his face red because he said that whole sentence in one breath. Roxas then blinked and started to explain to Sora (whose face returned to its normal color) what school was.

&&

After explaining to Sora what school is (In which Sora's brain was now working overtime to cram all that information into his little Sora brain…) the trio finally got to school. When they approached the gates of the school, Roxas, Sora, and Riku heard a melody in their heads.

"Is it just me, or am I hearing a tune that sounds exactly like the death march in my head?" Riku said, approaching the front doors of the school.

"Nope, you're not." Roxas said, also approaching the front doors.

Just before Riku or Roxas opened the front doors, Sora took this opportunity to speak: "Guys are you ready? Remember, once we go in, we may NEVER come out."

"Sora, you're making it sound like we're about to walk through the gates of hell." Riku said.

"And the gates of hell are different from school in WHAT way?" Sora said.

"Hmmm…. Good point." Roxas said, agreeing with Sora.

&&

After walking through the gates of hell……I mean… the front door of the school and going into the demon's lair….. I mean… the office to get their schedules, Sora, Roxas, and Riku were walking down the hallway to get to their class. Just before they got to their lockers, they looked at each others schedules. They all found out they had to take Sex Ed that year. When they looked to see who their teacher was for that class, they were shocked and mortified. There was only one thing to say at that moment and they said it: HOW THE HELL DID HE EARN A TEACHING DEGREE!?

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Ooh, cliffy! So who is their Sex Ed teacher? I know, but I won't tell you. That is, unless you review, then I'll probably tell you who. 


	3. HE'S OUR TEACHER!

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. But if I did, Square-Enix can keep Kairi, because all I want are Sora and Riku.

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_Previous Chapter…_

_Sora, Riku and Roxas looked at each other's schedules. They found out that they had to take Sex Ed this year. When they looked at who the teacher was, they screamed the one thing that could be said at the moment: HOW THE HELL DID HE GET A TEACHING DEGREE!?_

&-&

After the three Keyblade bearers had their outburst, they looked back at their schedules to see if they were just dreaming. To their horror they saw the same thing as last time:

Subject: Sex Ed.

Teacher: Xehanort

"Ok, how the hell did HE get authorized for a teaching degree?" Riku said, putting his stuff inside of his locker, which was conveniently located next to Roxas' and Sora's locker. "I also want to know how he was even allowed to get into the school." said Riku.

"Maybe he's changed?" Roxas said, trying to cram his backpack into his locker.

"Or maybe…" Sora started to say while trying to install one of those shelves that every person has in his locker, "he's here and teaching us Sex Ed because a very hyper girl with a very unique mind wanted to torture us and is just using this situation for her own entertainment."

"Sora…" said Roxas, "that is the craziest idea ever." The Keyblade bearers nobody then bonked him on the head

"Yea, I know"

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Ok, I'm sorry this chapter is so short and probably sucks. I'm still suffering from writers block and it's hard for me to think of anything else. Plus, vacation is over and I have to go back to school. So…… bear with me people!!! 


	4. CloudLeonSephirothYaoi!

Hey! I decided to thank the people who have reviewed this story: **The Cloaked Schemers, manic the hedgehog, One Evil Girl (Although your review wasn't that encouraging……), dphpfopobsessed, and true-slytherin123.** You guys rock!

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, although that is what I want for my birthday……

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After that little "event" about finding out who their Sex Ed teacherwas, the three Keyblade bearers went off to their first class which was Algebra, the subject of evil(Well, next to Sex Ed). At first glance, you would think that Riku would be in a higher grade than Sora and Roxas, but because of the incident involving a door to some type of darkness, something called Organization XIII and Sora's little "awakening", Riku missed two years of school and therefore, had to be in the same grade as Sora and Roxas.

As they were walking, they saw a site that should probably never be witnessed by anyone, (Especially Leon.): Cloud. And. Sephiroth. Making. Out. (AN: Sentence fragments are fun!) Here is what happened after:

Riku covered Sora's eyes.

Sora covered Roxas' eyes.

Leon walked by and started to pull Cloud away from Sephiroth.

Many curse words were thrown at each other.

Cloud whispered an idea into the ears of Sephiroth and Leon.

The three boys went into the bathroom and didn't come out for three hours.

And all of this happened in a time frame of 10.098 seconds.

"Ok…….. That doesn't happen every day…" Riku mumbled seemingly to no one…..

&&

_In math class………_

The three boys couldn't believe it. They have faced countless Heartless and Nobodies. They have defeated countless enemies. Heck, they just witnessed Cloud making out with Sephiroth. But they haven't seen anything THIS scary: Marluxia. Was. Their. Math. Teacher. (AN: I like using sentence fragments!)

"Good morning boys and girls! My name is Marluxia, but you can call me Marly if you so feel like it!"

Roxas' eye twitched.

"Now I'll start by taking attendance. When I call your name say "here." Sora?"

"Here."

"Riku?"

"Here."

"Cloud?"

"Uh…….. He's busy……." Sora and Riku said in unison.

"Ok…. Roxy?"

"It's Roxas, and here."

"Leon?"

"Busy…." Sora and Roxas said together.

"Sephiroth?"

"VERY busy." Sora, Riku and Roxas said together.

"What are those three boys so busy with that they can't come to class? Marluxia said confused by why three students are absent. Five seconds later, they hear this "conversation":

"OH GOD! HARDER!" (Cloud)

"You like this?" (Leon)

"FUCK YES!" (Cloud)

(Sephiroth said something, but his exact words can't be uttered in this fan fiction for the sake of people's sanities and to keep their meals from coming back up.)

Marluxia blinked then proceeded to say, "Ok……… Cloud, Leon and Sephiroth are absent due to "personal issues."

"Let's pretend that we never heard any of this……." Sora said.

"Agreed." Said Roxas and Riku.

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Oh my god! I was cracking up the whole time I was typing this! I think I had a little too much fun with the sentence fragments and the use of the Caps Lock button though………

Next Chapter: English class and Kairi bashing galore!

R&R!


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